Look-a-like

We're so related.

Happy Day

I just love these kids! They are some of my favorite people. It was such a fun day sharing a picnic with the family and gawking at how big everyone is getting. They grow up SO FAST. (Please tell it slows down eventually.) I couldn't help but be cracked up by Silas. What a character! He has such a unique personality and he was fun just to sit and watch.










I never got around to sending Christmas gifts this year so I brought a Summer Survival Kit for all the kids full of toys and activities to use during their roadtrip. It was a big hit. For Silas's birthday I got him a Lightening McQueen matchbox car (Kerchow!) and a card that played music. Hard to tell which he liked better.

Sadie at one point asked if I was "coming over again this year." Awkward question for me at the time, I kind of stumbled for answer. (I don't really feel like that's up to me per se.) But at the close of our visit I wanted to hug her and say "Yes!" I love my mini fan club.


Compared to last year, I felt much better emotionally. The day was such a treat and I felt happy and excited. It is such a priviledge to see firsthand the love that this cute family shares with each other and especially Silas. I didn't outright cry at any point but I did get misty-eyed a few times. I almost broke when saying goodbye to Silas and he said "I love you." (!!) Be still me heart. Although he was just parroting phrases it was still so cute and touching. He even said my name a couple of times. It was an amazing experience.

I even got flowers.

Totally the best day. :)

Happy 2nd Birthday, kiddo!

Adoption: A gift of life, a gift of love.

The following is the outline from/copy of my Introduction Speech on my adoption experience.

Introduction: Quote “The best thing you can give someone you love is a better future.”

Background: Over three years ago I learned that I was unexpectedly pregnant. I immediately fell in love with my unborn baby. But was that enough? Financially there was no way I could provide for a child. As much as I wanted to give the baby the world, I knew I would barely be able to provide food and shelter. I had so many things that I had hoped to give my family; a stable home with married parents being the foundation. The closer the due date got, the more I realized that I couldn’t do this on my own. I would love the opportunity and blessing of raising a child but I was not willing to do it at the child's expense. The plans I’d made for this baby began to crumble and I started looking at other options.

Main idea: Almost two years ago I made the hardest decision of my life. I chose to place my baby for adoption. That pivotal decision has lead to some of the greatest blessings and learning experiences in my life. I would like to share three with you.

First point: One thing I’ve learned is an understanding of true sacrifice and unconditional love. I think of adoption as a gift; a gift of life, a gift of love. I loved my baby enough that I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. I would let him go. It wasn't about my wants anymore, it was about his needs. And he deserved so much more than what I could offer. I would give up everything so that he wouldn't have to give up anything. It took all the strength I could muster, the support of many loving people, and my faith in God to place Silas for adoption.

Second point: Another thing this experience has given me is the courage and strength to make changes and overcome many obstacles. Silas has helped give me the courage to once again pursue goals I had set for myself long ago. Returning to college is just one example of this. It was difficult and intimidating to make changes necessary to return to school. Moving forward was easy by comparison. I knew where I had been and knew where I wanted to go. After having the experiences I have had in my life, so many mountains become molehills; things previously insurmountable now seem perfectly attainable.

Third point: And lastly, being a birthmom is a huge part of who I am. Through my adoption experience, a desire to reach out to others in similar situations rooted itself deeply within me. With the help of my caseworker, I was able to speak at area conferences held on adoption and participated in birthparent panels. I shared my experience with and answered questions from perspective adoptive couples. Each time I spoke in front of them was exhilarating but I still felt the need to help other birthmothers. I began volunteering as a birthparent confidant. I loved the work and felt so uplifted every time I was able to answer a question, resolve a problem, or help another in some small way. I researched the requirements to become a licensed counselor. I changed my college major to Sociology and will later go on for my Masters in Behavioral Science. I find such peace and satisfaction in my work as a volunteer and speaker. I constantly learn something new about myself.

Conclusion: To sum up. Because of my adoption experience I am continuously confronted with chances to challenge myself to grow even more. I have learned a true understanding of sacrifice and love; gained the courage and strength to overcome obstacles, and found direction and purpose through working with others whose lives have been touched by adoption. I am so grateful for everything that has happened, both the good and bad. These experiences are what have help mold me into the person I am today. I have learned and continue to learn and grow from this experience; it is not something I regret. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured.

Quote: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never ever the same.” -Unknown

Public Speaking from the Heart

I delivered my speech last night to my Communications class. As expected, I cried. I am really proud of myself despite that because I didn't let it deter me from giving my speech. I was able to plug right along as if I wasn't crying. Points to me for professionalism! I felt the Spirit strongly as I spoke of my love and the sacrifice involved in adoption. I didn't feel nervous looking out at the audience. My voice stayd steady and I smiled through my tears. Some people were shocked by my story but most had eyes also glistening with tears. My professor even called a short break after I concluded so that she could pull herself back together. Hopefully making her cry isn't something that reflect poorly on my grade!

I was so scared and nervous as I prepared this speech. I wasn't sure how my message would be recieved. Now with it behind me I feel very blessed once again for the comfort of the Spirit and the strength gained throughout my previous experieces. I recieved a handful of compliments and was even given the chance to answer a few more specific questions during the break.

As always, I can't help by reiterate my previous thoughts: It is amazing how talking about the most heart-wrenching, life-altering time of my life can bring such joy and peace. I am grateful for opportunities such as this and hope I will continue to rise to the occassion.

A little piece of my heart

I started college classes again two weeks ago. I am taking Communications right now and I am loving the class. The instructor is also named Stephanie so we've developed a kinship over our shared name. I am pretty sure I'm the only student whose name she even knows! I am learning things in this class that I hadn't really expected. In my mind communications was just a fancy word for speech class. Wrong. I really feel like I am learning to analyze my listening and speech patterns to be able to communicate better with the world around me.

This particular class is one I have previously taken but failed due to poor attendance. When I was 6+ months pregnant, class didn't always feel like a high priority. At that time I was shy, sat far in the back, and shook terribly when having to deliver a speech. Now, I am more comfortable with myself, I speak up during discussions, I feel fine in front of the crowd, and have even developed some friendships. It is beautiful to see for myself my growth in such ways. I'm growing up! After having the experiences I have had in life, so many mountains become moehills. Things previously insurmountable now seem perfectly achievable.

One assignment for the class is an introduction speech. We are to do some "soul searching" and relate a speech centered on a person or event that has had a lasting impact on our life. Only one comes to mind for me. Silas. And everything that name encompasses: unconditional love, true sacrifice, the importance of family, the wisdom and beauty of adoption, and so much more. What else do I have to this point in my life that has had such a far-reaching affect? Caused such reformation and complete change of heart? Nothing compares as of yet.

The idea of speaking on something so personal and sacred scares me. Not the subject matter but the reception of the subject matter. I don't want to seem like I'm casting my pearls before swine. I'm struggling with determining how to present in such a way that my testimony is evident without being "overly religous."

Mother's Day and the birth mother

Well, today has not been my favorite day. I have felt a little black rain cloud hovering over me all day. Church was wonderful, the meetings were uplifting, and I always enjoy seeing my ward family but... I just couldn't seem to shake my gloomy feeling. I was surprised by it, last year was perfectly fine. Good enough that I don't remember it at all.

One talk given in sacrament dealt with motherhood. One thing that stood out to me that the brother said was that "motherhood was next to divinity." I got choked up as I recalled a conversation from almost two years ago. In that conversation a reference was made to something President Hinckley has said. "Contrary to what some may believe, unwed parents who place their children for adoption are not taking “the easy way out” or abandoning their responsibility. Instead, they are placing the needs of their children before their own feelings and desires—the essence of true parenthood. Such a decision is deserving of the highest commendation and respect. " I was also told that birth mothers have a special understanding of the love of Heavenly Father and his ability to sacrifice his Son. "The decision to place an infant for adoption can be a wrenching one, yet it is an act of selflessness and profound love."

I think at times I grow so accustomed to being "fine," not being overwhelmed by my prior triggers. I forgot to prepare for today "just in case" and ended up feeling down most of the day. It is probably silly but I really wanted flowers. Just a nice happy bouquet of flowers. I wanted to be acknowledged and shown that somebody remembered me. Mother's Day is such a fickle thing, am I mother or not? All the past week at work I've had the same question repeatedly, "Do you have any kids?" Short and simple answer: "No." But...I always feel like I'm lying when I say that. I wouldn't mind sharing my story but I don't want to make them uncomfortable. How does one handle these awkward situations?

Happy Birth Mother's Day

I've recently learned of this article from another birthmother. I really loved this article and even teared up a couple of times. I can relate so well to the women mnetioned in it.

"...many birth mothers can't shake their anguish and guilt when Mother's Day rolls around each May, so they've taken on the Saturday before the holiday as their own — Birth Mother's Day. The day was established by a group of Seattle birth mothers in 1990 and has grown over the years to include candle lightings, poetry readings and other events around the country."

Click here for the full article

Question

How did you deal with the baby's birthday?

I remember feeling a little more down than I had in a long time. It surprised me because I thought I had been doing so well. Almost for the whole month of July (my baby's birth month) I felt more sensitve. And it was like I could remember things from around the time he was born in much better detail. Everything felt so fresh, as if it had only happened a little while ago; not an entire YEAR. I knew from the stories of others that this is pretty much normal. Having a down day isn't a setback or a loss, it's just a down day. It also helps to prepare. My mother, siblings, and I planned a vacation during the second half of July. My birthday also falls in July so my family worked extra hard to make sure that my 24th birthday wasn't overshadowed.

In the packet of information I received before placement there is very helpful section on grieving and healing. One part of that really applies here. "Plan ahead for special days. Birthdays, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand to how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you used to as a way of acknowledging this change in your life But also be sure to include your baby's memory somehow during the day. If you do not include the baby in some way, you will spend too much of your energy acting as if nothing has changed with that day, knowing full well that much has changed."

I've also learned that, for me, it's best not to ignore the day. Trying to pretend that it's like any other day won't work. I had a unique first birthday experience in that one of my close friends had a baby boy. Th very same day. our babies are exactly one year apart! I was able to spend Silas's birthday in the hospital holding a newborn boy. I'm sure if I hadn't prepared I would have been a wreck. But it was both a camling and an exciting experience. Holding that little bundle really helped me to see just how far I had come and it also made it very obvious just how big Silas had gotten. :)

Do something that helps you feel close to baby. I wrote a letter to him and I also spent time creating a birthday gift for him. I am a scrapbooker so I made an album that included all his milestones from his first year. I cried and laughed a lot as I looked back over the pictures. It was great to see how much he was growing and I also took time to evaluate myself. I had grown a lot too. I re-read letters and emails from myself and his parents. I didn't really spend the day grieving; I just let myself feel everything. My feelings were a little more sensitive and tender but most of that came from how much I kept thinking of a very tender situation.

I re-read over the section on grieving and healing beforehand and planned some of the suggested activities. I arranged to have people I could talk about my feelings with, I spent time thinking of him, I journaled, I listened to music that I associated with my adoption experience, I spent time by myself and with others. I also worked to make it a day I looked forward to, a day to celebrate the miracle of adoption.

The Gift of Adoption

The following is an article on adoption included in the Febuary 2009 Ensign. I enjoyed reading it and got quite teary at times. I loved being able to read from the different perspectives of the people whose lives are affected by a single adoption.

The Gift of Adoption

Many families know what joy adoption can bring into a family welcoming a new son or daughter. But what about those on the other side of adoption—the giving side? Here, four people involved with the gift of adoption (none of them connected) share their stories.
For more information about adoption, including resources for expectant and adoptive parents, please visit www.itsaboutlove.org, or call the LDS Family Services hotline at 800-537-2229.

Birth Mother
When I was 16, I spent a lot of time seeking the attention and affection of boys, and of one in particular. By my 17th birthday, I was pregnant.
I had been raised by righteous parents who were steadfast in the gospel. They taught my siblings and me to make correct choices, but I wanted to try something new and different. I consciously made several decisions I knew weren’t right because I wanted to do things my own way.
When my parents learned that I was pregnant, they were shocked and disappointed by my behavior and brokenhearted at the result. I was scared and confused, but I wasn’t as worried as my parents seemed to be. After all, I loved babies and had always wanted children. I decided I would just marry my boyfriend and have a little family.
My parents wanted me to talk to counselors at LDS Family Services. I didn’t want to go—I was certain that they would just tell me to place my baby for adoption, which was the last thing I wanted to do. But my parents insisted I attend a counseling session, and there was no room for argument.
When I first met my caseworker, Sherri, I laid out my plan to her. I told her up front that I wouldn’t give up my baby and that she couldn’t make me. She won my affection quickly when she said she just wanted to talk to me and help me make a good life for my baby and myself. Sherri offered education about teen parenting and more. I learned I could trust her.
I started attending weekly classes with other girls in my situation and their parents. We met to talk about our fears, expectations, and hopes. Some of the girls were going to raise their babies, some were placing them for adoption, and some were still undecided.
Part of the class was spent with our parents present, but part of the session included just us girls. We needed each other more than we realized. Those times of confiding in each other were invaluable—even our best friends didn’t know what it was like to be unmarried and pregnant. These group meetings helped me to not feel so alone.
I continued to meet privately with Sherri, as did my boyfriend. She encouraged both of us to pray about all of our options. Had she asked me to do this earlier, I might have refused, but by this point, I had learned that I could trust her. I was also realizing how inadequately prepared I was for parenthood. My boyfriend and I agreed to pray about what to do.
At that point, my life changed. I received such a direct answer to my prayer that there was no doubt in my mind about what we were supposed to do. When I talked with my boyfriend, I found out that his heart had also been touched. We knew that this baby was supposed to go to another family. That confirmation helped us stick to our decision when we felt caught between seemingly endless advice from family and friends and our own feelings and desires.
To say that I cried would be to put it mildly. My heart was full and broken at the same time. How could I feel such peace in a decision that brought so much pain? I later realized that I had brought much heartache and pain into my life and the lives of those intertwined with mine because I had let selfish desires override my long-term goals. But here, I had been given an opportunity to put aside what I wanted most—to keep this child—and to give her something better.
My boyfriend and I shared with our parents our decision about adoption. His parents struggled with the idea of not knowing their flesh and blood and accused us of being heartless. My parents, who had just started to adjust to the idea that they would be grandparents, urged us not to rush into any kind of a decision. In the end, although they felt disappointment at not being able to watch their grandchild grow up, they were supportive.
Giving birth to a beautiful little girl was miraculous. I loved holding her and rocking her. She was so beautiful, and I cried many times her first night on earth. I knew that the next day would bring heartache when it was time to say good-bye.
What made that pain bearable was knowing that placing her for adoption was right. It was the hardest—but most right—thing I have ever done. I signed the papers through sheets of tears and then leaned on family and friends for support. My tears weren’t the only ones shed that day or in the days to come.
I thought and worried about my baby constantly at first. How was she doing? What was she doing? Was she healthy? Was she happy? I wrote many letters that first year, and when I received a letter or photos in return, I carried them with me. My pain was eased in seeing a beautiful, happy baby in the pictures. Reading of the love this family felt for her and for me lifted my heart and was essential in my healing. Over time, I began to realize I wasn’t thinking about her every minute of every day—and that was OK. She had a good life, and I needed to move forward with mine too.
I finished high school and enrolled in college, opportunities I might not have had if I had chosen to raise my baby. I stayed busy with working, attending counseling sessions, going to church, and meeting with Church leaders as I sought repentance. Slowly, I began to feel a real sense of healing and of direction in my life. I met and married a wonderful man, and we were sealed in the temple a year after our wedding. Today, my husband and I are happily raising our children. I am grateful that they have been born in the covenant and that we can be together for eternity. Each of them is a blessing.
Someone once asked me if I would change anything if I could go back. I wanted to respond that I would do better, that I wouldn’t have brought a child into the world outside of marriage. But I was afraid to answer that way because I had tender feelings for a family who had been blessed by the adoption. Years of soul-searching eventually helped me realize that I still would want to go back and do better, to not make the mistake in the first place. Admitting this does not mean that I would take away the delight of this family with their daughter. I am confident that this family would have been blessed another way had I chosen to make righteous decisions initially.
I marvel at a loving Heavenly Father who gave His Son that we might have a way back to Him. I testify that the Atonement is real. I know that through it, our Savior redeems us from our sins and that He also succors us in our pain. I came to more fully appreciate the gifts of both the Father and Son as I felt Their love throughout this experience.

Birth Father

Monkey Business

The many adventures of Monkey. I have such a wide collection of "Monkey pictures" from a variety of trips, months, and places that I thought it might be fun to include some on this blog. I like to take pictures of Monkey doing things and send them to the family. I remember seeing a cell phone commercial with the same subject matter. Just know, I was doing it before At&T made it cool!

Closing a chapter

As this first semester comes to a close I feel like I'm moving further and further away from the stigma of "Steph, the birthmom." I'm taking hold of my own personality again. Flexing my muscles and remembering to be myself. I feel like I've found myslf again. I don't have all the answers to all my questions in life but I do know where I'm going.

After placement the world was this big scary thing. I had no idea where to go. I only knew I couldn't go back where I had come from. I feel like I've done a good job of meeting each new fork in the road with the question: What now? I've pressed forward and I feeling my upward momentum picking up speed.

Life has been far from perfect that past few months but I have gained knowledge. About myself, about school, about life. I have grown in so many ways too. Too bad my grades don't all show my stellar improvements. I am still working on developing balance in my life. My biggest fear when coming out to school was hiding socially. I overcame that fear but in the midst of doing that...I sort of neglected my classes.

This is the end of 2008 and but with it comes a new year and new opportunities to continue learning, growing, and moving forward. I'm heading home in a week and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and put my walking shoes on.

Talking with Teens

Today I was invited to come and speak to a class at Madison High School here in Rexburg. Um, scary. I have spoken on birthparent panels before where my audience was made up of other members of the church. Without having to explain too much,t hey understood why I felt the kind of family outlined in The Family: A Proclaimation to the World was important. We all shared the same basic beliefs and I could build on that.

I was excited about the opporttunity to share my experiences and lessons learned where they could ahve the greatest impact but when I left my apartment this morning I was begining to feel that nervous tension building in my stomach. I've never "prepared" a speech when speaking on this subject. I've just always let the spirit guide me and then answer questions to best of my ability.

What suprised me the most when I walked in the front doors of Madison High School was the appearance of the students. They were all so young! I don't remember looking or feeling that young at their ages. I was feeling the beginings of a generation gap. What common ground was I going to establish with these kids to show that what happened to me can happen to them?

The class would last an hour and the local case worker, Dale would explain his job and what his role in adoptions was and close by sharing a 8 minute video (the same one my mother had me watch). Then it was my turn. I sat trying not to fidget through Dale's presentation. I brought Monkey, some of my favorite pictures of Silas, and a smile. Once I was in front of the class, the panic I felt for a second when all eyes focused on me disappeared quickly. I talked about myself, explained my circumstances when I became pregnant, and what led to me decision to place. I passed out the pictures as I talked and explained the type of adoption I have and how things have been for since placement. I was honest. I answered questions and shared a few stories. I was suprised by how much I could explain about the adoption process outside of just my experiences. Before I knew it, class was over.

Afterwards, I felt on top of the world. It's funny how talking about the most heart-wrenching, life-changing time of your life can make you feel so good. I felt like I had left an impression. I remember from times past that you can gauge how well your presentation is going by the types of questions it pulls out of people. The kids were all attentive and had lots of comments and questions. I feel like the day was a success and, as usual, I makes me even more excited about the next opportunity to share with someone.

Grrrroup!

Okay, hands down one of my favorite things about Rexburg is the Birthparent Groups. Every Thursday I drive past downtown Rexburg and head to one of the local ward buildings. Our group is small but a lot of fun. I lvoe being able to hear about other birthmom's expereinces and learn the ways that their adoptions differ from mine. Of course we all think that adopted kids are the cutest! And just so easy to love. I've made some great friends there and felt so close to all the girls right from the very first meeting I attended.

We even have a unique member, Callie. She's an adoptive mother. Her little boy, Gideon will be turning one soon. It is so interesting to hear about things from her perspective, to really be able to gain some insight to the other side of adoption.

We always have treats (usually something chocolate) and always run into "overtime." Group meetings technically end by 8:30pm but I know the earliest we've ever wrapped things up was 9:00pm. There is just such a spirit and comarderie there that I haven't really felt anywhere except at LDSFA-FSA conferences. And at that I was the only birthmom that came so I was the panel! :)

I so wish we could have ahd something like this back home. In our area though everyone lives so far apart. We don't lack in numbers for birthparents but most of us would have to travel for at least an hour so it just isn't very practical. Oh how I'll miss these girls when I'm home!

First Presidency of the Church Announces Support for Adoption

In honor of National Adoption Month, the First Presidency has released the following statement:
The President of the United States of America, George W. Bush, has proclaimed the month of November as National Adoption Month. We endorse this proclamation and express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children.

Children are entitled to the blessing of being reared in a stable family environment where father and mother honor marital vows. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.

For more information about LDS Family Services adoption services, please call 1-800-537-2229 or visit itsaboutlove.org

Adjusting

I'm not a freak! That may seem obvious to some but whne you haven't lived a very "Molly Mormon" life in a very obvious way, you feel really self concsious about letting others get to know you. Rejection is a scary thing.

I have gotten to know my roommates pretty well and even made a few friends in my classes. In each class I have my "buddy" that I sit with every day, walk from class with, and even remember thier names. These buddies are those that I'm learning to relax and be myself around. This past month I have waited for the opportunity and talked with each other them about my adoption experiences. The most common reaction was, "Oh! Now I get it." Apparently this information is like some missing piece that explains some things and fills in some of the holes.

No one ran away shrieking or shunned me. All of these friends embraced the idea, some even embraced me(gotta love hugs!). Most had questions and we've talked about it on numerous occassions. I've learned to not be so intimidated by my past or sharing it with others. It feel good to talk about all that I've learned and worked beyond in recent years. And of course, how could I pass up on the opportunity to brag on Silas? Cutest kid ever!

New Adventures

Well, here I am. Hundreads of miles away from home and all the seems familiar. I've accomlished one of my major goals: I am begining college classes tomorrow. I am so nervous and scared. I was so excited to start this new chapter in my life but now...I dunno. I find myself missing all the comfortable and familiar surroundings of home.

Being 24 years old and a fresman is tough in and of itself. Take into account I have spent the past four years living on my own, working, and running my own home, college becomes an even more daunting task. Downright intimidating! Now, let's remember that I am a birthmom, just over a year later and I'm still learning what kind of a role and affect these experiences have had on me. I've been here at school for almost a week and I'm feeling a little lost. I'm timid to just jump out and share this very big part of myself with the people that I meet but when I don't I almost feel like I'm hiding.

I haven't had to deal with deciding the who to tell, who not to tell, how much to tell kind of questions before now. It's kind of stressful! I feel good about my decisions and my progress but I still feel a little like an outsider. I'm worried that other students will have a hard time accepting me or seeing beyond my role as a birthparent. Yes, it is something that has affected me in a profound way BUT it is not my identity.

Am I too concerned? Too cautious? I'm not sure. All I do know is that this semester is full of chances to answer those questions. I've worked so hard to get here and I'm ready for the challenge. Bring on the adventure!

Cutest Kid

I have sadly not been keeping up with posts very well since July. I haven't been sure of what to include. I am just dropping in to add some recent pictures of Silas. I have been very busy busy and an update will follow shortly.

Dear Baby...

The following is a copy of the letter that I included in Silas's birthday scrapbook that he will be able to read someday.

Dear Silas-

Happy First Birthday! What an amazing year it has been. You have grown up so fast and I really feel like I’ve been growing up right along with you. So many good things have happened for both of us this year. Today, I am constantly thinking back to the day that you were born. What a busy day! You were perfect right from the start. You were born after only nine hours of labor and came into the world face up. I like to think it is because you were geared up and ready to meet your family. I didn’t choose your mom and dad until the day you were born. They were instant parents and they handled it beautifully like old pros. When they came to the hospital the next day, your brother and sisters couldn’t wait to meet “baby brother.” Isaac was so exited about having a little brother; he thought you even looked a lot like him. They loved you before they had even met you. I don’t think that I really “picked out” a family for you, they were already your family, and we just had to find them.

It wasn’t an easy thing placing you for adoption; it was actually the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I knew I just couldn’t deny the strong feelings I had that you weren’t mine. I was just the babysitter until your mom and dad could come. Never doubt that I love you though. You have taught me so much about true, unconditional love. Your life has created a lot of positive ripples, so many of those in my own life. Never doubt the effect one person can have either. You’ve helped give me the courage to return to church and once again pursue goals I had set for myself long ago. One thing I decided way back in July of last year was the type of person I would become. I wanted to be someone that you could be proud of, someone that you could look up to as an example. I have kept that in mind as I have made decisions and really think you would be proud. I have made so much progress this year. As you are taking your first steps, I am taking my own baby steps on the road of life. I’m including some song lyrics along with this letter. It is a beautiful song about adoption. It really makes me think of you. I always get a little misty whenever I hear it. Once again, Happy Birthday! I love you so much. You will always be in my heart and in my prayers.

Lots of love, hugs, and kisses,

Stephanie

The song lyrics I included in the letter were from a song
by Michael McLean titled From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours.

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure if I could ever hope to trust my judgment anymore. But lately I've been thinking, because it's all I've had to do. And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

Chorus:And maybe you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before by someone who delivered your son from God's arms to my arms to yours.

And if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know how the one who gave him life could bear to let him go, just tell him there was sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor and knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.

Chorus

I know that you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me the first time that he ties his shoe or falls or skins his knees?and could you hold him twice as long when he makes his first mistake and try to tell him that he's not alone? Sometimes that's all it takes. And he's not alone. I know how much he'll ache.

Chorus

This may not be the answer for another girl like me and I'm not on a soap box singing how we all should be. I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above,and I'm trusting that you can give this baby both his mother's love.

Crazy Kid

Oh. My. Goodness. Pictures do not even begin to show how cute this kid is! He is such a chubby, happy baby. Being able to see him in person was quite an experience, in all the best ways. My mother and I met the family at a park for lunch. We all had a nice picnic lunch, exchanged some gifts, and just talked as if no time had passed since our last visit. I like to give his siblings gifts whenever I give him something so I brought bubbles for them to play with. I remember loving bubbles when I was their age and they seemed to get a kick out of it too. It was so wonderful being able to talk with and see the family. i had been so nervous but that eventually gave way to excitement. it turned out that it wasn't awkward for me at all and it didn't seem like it was for them either. The only thing that was hard was realizing that, to Silas, I was a stranger. He didn't know me so he didn't like me holding him. It's understandable but I just wish I could have gotten a better picture with him. He loves the camera and totally hams it up whenever someone takes his picture but it was hard trying to get him to pose with me. Apparently, his way of smiling right now consists of throwing his mouth wide open and showing off his teeth. What a cutie! I look forward to visits in the future when he's more mobile and capable of play. He's not quite walking yet so just being held or sitting while others got to play was a bit frustrating for him. What a great baby and an awesome family!

ONE YEAR

Happy First Birthday! It is hard to believe that it has been a full year already. I can only shake my head in disbelief as I look back on what had taken place in my life during that time. The Lord has truly blessed me in so many ways. As Silas has been growing and developing, I have been doing the same in my life, though in a different capacity. I am so grateful for everything that has happened, both the good and the bad. These experiences are what have helped mold me into the person I am today.

I am looking forward to seeing the family again in a couple of days. Who am I kidding? I am downright giddy. How fun it will be to see everyone in person instead of just photographs. I have a special love towards Silas's siblings so I am excited to see them again also. I have really gone back and forth over what I could give Silas as a birthday present, he is provided for so well that I worry about giving him something he already has. I finally decided on creating a scrapbook. Scrapbooks might turn into an annual tradition yet! It is a themed book, the ABC's of his first year. A is for adorable, B for baby brother, etc. It is coming along nicely but I have a feeling I will be up late on Friday putting the finishing touches on for Saturday morning.

Milestones

Halfway through June which means its almost time. Silas will be a year old soon. I have lunch date set for July 5th with the whole family. My mom will be coming also. I'm so exciting about being able to see in person just how big that little baby has gotten. Once again, I want to look really nice for Silas, I know. He won't even remember and by the time he's looking at the pictures, my clothes with be outdated anyways. Hopefully I will be able to prepare myself better this time. We are tentatively planning on meeting each year between his birthday on the July 3rd and mine on July 21st.
I have corresponded regularly, at least once a month, with the family all year. A part of me want to include those letters on this blog but, for now, they are still very personal. Reading over them really helps me to see the progress I have made in the past year. While Silas busy growing physically and mentally, I have been growing spiritually and emotionally. Preparing for the upcoming visit has caused me to look back and reflect on the goals I had set for myself. What a difference a year makes! I have been able to accomplish all of my goals for the most part. Some are continual things that I am constantly adding to but when the one year mark does come, I can say that I have completed everything I set out to do.

My theme for 2007 was someting taken from President Spencer W. Kimball, "Do it." Simple and direct. When it came to everything that I was working on, that was the best advice I could give myself. Just do it. My theme for 2008 is taken from the scriptures. In Malachi 3:10 it reads: “…prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

I'm trying my best, doing all that I can to be obedient. I've gone through so many trials and heartache this past year and overcome a lot. I really feel that there is so much good ahead, blessings that Heavenly Father is just ready and waiting to pour down upon me. It is such an exciting time. All the good things that will weigh out that bad times are just around the corner as long as I continue doing the things that I should.

The Grumpy Judge

As of today, it has been exactly 11 months since I last saw Silas. It was our court appearance where I terminated my parental rights and his family officially adopted him. Terminated. I really hated that word. I remember I kept thinking that someone, somewhere surely could have come up with a better term than that. I remember being so nervous about going. As far as what was the most nerve wracking, it was a toss up between seeing the family again or having to be up on the stand.

I really wanted to look cute for Silas, which is probably silly, but I tried to dress up as best I could. It wasn't easy with most of my belongings still packed up from moving back home and the rest not fitting my previously pregnant body. I arrived there almost a half hour early so that I would have plenty of time with the family as soon as they arrived too. I waited anxiously outside of the courtroom with my mom, seated on a hard wood bench trying not to sweat too much. I kept thumbing through the scrapbook I had made for the family, needing something to occupy my hands. I found myself wishing for some of that previous supply of Kleenex so I could build a fort out of squares to hide behind.

My counselor, Mark was in the process of moving cross country and was out of town for my court date so another representative from LDS Family Services was there support me. His name was Darren and he and I had only spoken once or twice previously. His presence there reminded me of Mark's absence and made me wished I could have my old ally back. I was much more comfortable with familiar Mark than the new stand-in.

Finally the family arrived with all four kids in tow. I felt shy about asking to hold him and even about presenting them with the scrapbook. They were so kind and gracious. My only regret from my adoption experience is not choosing a family sooner. I really wish I could have gotten to know them better before placement. It would have been nice having the extra crew of cheerleaders and having added experiences in overcoming my shyness and awkwardness with them.

When it was our turn, we filed into that tiny courtroom with out respective lawyers. My part came first. I was shaking as I walked up to the stand and felt like the judge was glaring at me. Mark had told me before that judges usually enjoy doing adoption proceedings because they are happy events. This particular judge apparently wasn't aware of that tradition. He was grumpy and gruff through the entire proceedings. I was almost too nervous to speak, which wasn't going to work well considering I had a lawyer that had to question me over the phone. Head nods aren't very audible. I was proud of myself though. I only got choked up twice. When I was questioned if I had given birth to baby boy Carter on July 3rd and if it was my request to terminate (ugly word) my parental rights.

Once things got going in court though, they went by so fast. My turn flew by and before I knew I was being asked to step down. Next, it was the parents' turn. It was neat being able to watch their proceedings too. I guess that isn't something that usually happens in adoption cases.

I don't think I really cried until after my mom and I arrived home. It had gone by so fast that I barely had time to process what was happening. I had been looking forward to court ever since I said goodbye to everyone at the hospital weeks before. I was facing doubts and wondering when it was that I would get to see him again. We had an open adoption but it was up to the family and myself to set the parameters. Great. Another chance to work on my shyness...

Adoption- The Healing Experience (cont'd)

Give your self a break from grief.
Just because you are grieving does not mean you must always be feeling sad or forlorn. There is value in sometimes consciously deciding that you will think about something else for awhile, or that you will do something you have always enjoyed doing. Sometimes this happens naturally and it is only later you realize that your grief has taken a backseat. Let it. This is not an indication you love your baby any less, or that you forgotten him/her. It is a sign that you are human and you need relief from the unrelenting pressure. It can also be a healthy sign that you are healing.

See a grief counselor.
If you are concerned about how you are feeling and how well you are adapting, make an appointment with a counselor who specializes in grief. Often you will learn what you need, both about grief and about yourself as a griever.

Listen to music.
Choose music you believe will help you at a given moment, whether it is contemporary or classical, instrumental or vocal, secular or religious. Let the sounds surround you and soothe you. Take music with you, if you wish, as you go about your day.

Invite someone to be your phone buddy.
If your grief and sadness hits you especially hard at times and you have no one nearby to turn to, ask someone you trust to be your phone buddy. Ask their permission for you to call them whenever you feel you are at loose ends day or night. Then put their number beside your phone and call them if you need them. So not abuse the privilege, of course.

Avoid certain people if you must.
No one likes to be unfriendly or cold. But if there are people in your life who make it very difficult for you to do your grieving, then do what you can to stay out of their way. Some people may lecture you, or belittle you, or antagonize you, wither knowingly or unknowingly. Take care of your health during your grieving, including your emotional health. If that means protecting yourself from others for awhile, then do so.

Structure time alone.
You may have your full share of alone time, in which case you will want to ignore this suggestion. But if you are often among family or friends, make sure you also have time to be by yourself. A large part of the grieving process involves what goes on inside yourself- your thoughts, your feelings, your memories, your hopes and dreams. So allow yourself the opportunity to go inside so you can grow inside.

Screen your entertainment.
Some TV shows and movies are best not viewed when you are in deep grief. The same goes for certain books or articles. If you have any question, do a bit of research before you find yourself in the midst of an experience which brings up too many feelings for you to handle comfortably.

Read practical books and articles on grief.
Reading is a great way to find your way through this grieving experience. You may find it helpful to read how others have grieved through adoption placement.

Engage your soul.
You will want to do this in your own way. Some people meditate, some pray, and some spend time alone in nature. Some worship with a congregation and others do it on their own. include your soul as you grow through your grief.

Plan ahead for special days.
Birthdays, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand to how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you used to as a way of acknowledging this change in your life But also be sure to include your baby's memory somehow during the day. If you do not include the baby in some way, you will spend too much of your energy acting as if nothing has changed with that day, knowing full well that much has changed.

Allow yourself to laugh.
Sometimes funny things will happen to you, just like it used to. When that happens, go ahead and laugh if it feel good. Yo won't be desecrating your baby's memory. You will be consecrating his/her existence as well as your own.

Allow yourself to cry.
Crying goes naturally with grief. Tears well up and fall even when you least expect them. Subdues sniffles can become racking sobs on a moment's notice. It may feel awkward to you, but this is not unusual for a person in your situation. A good rule of thumb is this: if you feel like crying, then cry. If not, then don't.

Vent your anger rather than hold it in.
You may feel awkward being angry when you are grieving, but anger is a common reaction. The expression holds true: anger is best out floating rather than in bloating. Even if you feel ashamed as you do it, find ways to get it out of your system.

Eat healthy.
Your diet affects how you think and feel as well as how your body acts. Eat balanced meals. Eat even if you are not hungry. Eat regular meals rather than just snacking and avoid too much fat.

Do something to help someone else.
Step out of your own problems from time to time and devote your attention to someone else. Offer a gift of your service. Do this for yourself as much as for the other. Feel good about your worth.

Write down what you learn from your experience.
Your grief experience will have much to teach you. From time to time reflect upon what it is you are learning. State it as plainly as you are able. Carry those lessons with you as you go about your days.

Self-Doubts and regrets.
Grief is pain, and when people hurt they often begin to wonder if they did something wrong or made a wrong decision. There may be the sense that "if only I could do it again, I would..." or "I should have..." This kind of self doubt can rob you of peace of mind, or cause you to question your choice. These are all natural consequences of grief and pain. Remind yourself that your choice was made with great care and contemplation. It was a good choice when you made it, and it is a good choice now.

Information compiled by-
Gloria Robbins
December 1996
LDS Social Services

Adoption-The Healing Experience

Following are many ideas to help people who are mourning. Different kinds of losses dictate different responses, so not all of these ideas will suit everyone. Likewise, no tow people grieve alike- what works for one may not work for another. Treat this list for it is: A gathering of assorted suggestions that various people have tried with success. Perhaps what helped them through their grief will help you. The emphasis here is upon specific, practical ideas.

Talk regularly with a friend.
Talking with another about what you think and feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. it helps relieve some of the pressure you may feel, it can give you a sense of perspective, and it lee[s you in touch with others. Look for someone who is a good listener and caring soul. Then speak what is on your mind and in your heart. And the time will come when you will have the chance to be a good listener for someone else. You will be a better listener then if you are a good talker now.

Go for walks.
Go for walks outside everyday if you can. Do not overdo it, but walk briskly enough that it feels invigorating. Sometimes try walking slowly enough you can look carefully at whatever you want to see. Observe what nature has to offer you, what it can teach you. Enjoy as much as you are able . If you like, walk with another person.

Carry/Wear a linking object.
Carry something in your pocket or purse that reminds you of your baby- a keepsake for just this propose. Whenever you want, reach for it or gaze upon this object and remember what it signifies.

Create a memory book.
Compile photographs and other mementos which document your baby's existence. Arrange them into some order so they tell a story. Put all this all in a special binder and share it with those people you feel comfortable to do so. Go through it on your own from time to time if you feel the need.

Recall your dreams.
Your dreams often have important things to say about your feelings. Your dreams may be scary or sad, especially early on. They may seem weird or crazy to you. You may find that your baby appears in your dreams. Accept dreams for what they are and see what you can learn from them. No one knows better than you.

Tell people what helps you and what does not.
People around you may not understand what you need. So tell them. If hearing your baby's name spoken aloud by others feels good, say so. If you need more time alone, or assistance with chores you are unable to complete, or even an occasional hug be honest. People cannot read your mind, so you have to speak it.

Write things down.
Most people who are grieving become more forgetful than usual. So help yourself remember what you want by keeping track of it on paper or with whatever system works best for you. This may include writing down the things you want to preserve about your pregnancy and delivery; or perhaps your placement experience.

Plant something as a memorial.
Plant a flower, a bush, or a tree in memory of your baby. Do this ceremonially if you wish, perhaps with others present. If you do this planting where you live, you can watch it grow and change day by day, season by season. You can even make it a part of special times of remembrance in the future.

Purchase something soft to sleep with.
A teddy bear is a favorite choice for some, but there are other options, such as a soft blanket. Select something the feels warm and cuddly, then, whatever you age, cuddle with it.

Plan at least one thing you will do each do.
Even if your grief is very painful and your energy very low, plan to complete at least one thing each day, even if it is a small thing. Then follow though with your plan, day after day. Do not feel you have to keep busy all day long, that can become awfully tiring and even counter-productive. Just help yourself feel that you are not entirely at the mercy of this overwhelming experience- there are some things you can do to help you through this time.

Journal writing.
Write out your thoughts and feelings. Do this whenever you feel the urge, but do it at least several times a week, if not several times a day. Do not censor what you write- be just as honest as you can. In time, go back through your writings and notice how you are changing and growing. Write about that too.

Rest.
Grieving is hard work. So do what is best for you; get your rest. Take naps if you wish. Lie down from time to time. Relax in a comfortable chair. Pace yourself so you have interludes in which you can replenish yourself. Give yourself plenty of permission to take things easy.

Get physical.
If you feel inclined, begin an exercise program that will to strengthen an invigorate you. Maybe you could choose a partner to share your program.

Create a memory area at home.
In a space that feels appropriate, arrange smalla rea that honors the baby; a framed photograph or two, or seomthing that has special meaning for you.

Consider a support group.
Spending time with a small group of people who have undergone a similar life experience can be very therapeutic. You can discover how natural your feelings are. You can learn from the experiences and ideas of others. YOu can find the support you need to continue with your future plans.

Drink water.
Grieving people can easily become dehydrated. Crying can naturally lead to that and with your normal routines turned upside down, you may simply not drink as much or as regularly as you did. Make this one way you care for yourself.

Use your hands.
Soemtime there is value in doing repetitive things with your hands, something you don't have to think about very much beacuse it becomes second nature. Knitting and crocheting are examples.

(continued with more tomorrow)

Tender Mercies

Tender Mercies of the Lord-Elder David A. Bednar
Link

Another talk I LOVE! I have been so acutely aware of all the great and small ways in which the Lord has shown that He loves me and is proud of the decisions and progress I am making. There are just so many instances. Elder Bednar describes tender mercies as being “the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” I never really knew what label to give these instances and “tender mercies” is such a fitting name. They are not just “nice coincidence[s]” the tender mercies of the Lord are “real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.”

All through the decision making process of adoption there were so many little reassurances that despite my past I was very loved and that I was making the right decision. It seemed that anytime I would start to waiver in my resolve to do what was right, I would meet someone whose life had been touched by adoption in some way. A sister at church, a friend from work, my delivery nurse, and even the hospital's social worker all had wonderful experiences they shared with me. Surprisingly enough, I never met anyone who had a bad experience, this in itself being a tender mercy. There were times that one negative word was all it would have taken for me back out of everything.

Another example was the visiting teachers I was assigned. One sister was a excellent example of the kind of mother I wanted to become and the other sister’s own daughter had placed a son a few years prior. The experience and insight they were able to lend me was a godsend. These sweet sisters have helped me in enumerable ways and have definitely impacted my life for good. I consider both to be more than just my visiting teachers, I consider them friends. In my life since placement I have been able witness the Lord’s tender mercies; blessing me, guiding me as I strive to continue to live worthy of His forgiveness and sacrifice.

Another Great Article

Why Adoption? January 2008 Ensign

In placing their faith in the Lord as they make a truly selfless choice, many unwed birth mothers find that from the ashes of their deepest pain, He makes something beautiful— for her, the baby, and a loving family.

When Chuck and Rachael Sharp learned they would not be able to conceive a baby, Rachael thought her heart would break. She had yearned to be a mother, and she knew Chuck would be a wonderful father. For years the couple had dreamed of skiing and camping trips with their children, of noisy conversations around the dinner table, of music lessons and parties with cousins and picnics in the park. What would they do with all of those dreams?

That same year, in another city, Jessica Anderson (name has been changed) was struggling with heartbreak of her own. She had recently learned she was pregnant and the father didn’t want to be involved. Her mind reeled with questions: With so little education, how would she financially support her child? How could she fill the roles of both a mother and a father? What kind of future could she provide?

For the full article: Click here

Wise Men, Wise Words

I've recently read Healing Soul and Body by Elder Robert D. Hales. I love this talk! I only wish I had found it a year ago. All of the principles discussed still apply today and this talk is a wonderful summary of many things that I have learned slowly as I have grown in faith and testimony over the past year. This has been a very humbling learning process that has changed me in innumerable ways. I can attest to having a “mighty change of heart” that Elder Hales refers to and can relate personally to the experience of Alma the Younger when visited upon by an angle of the Lord. “There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains…On the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.” (Alma 36:21)

I have never felt more unworthy, more alone, or more scared than I did when I found out I was pregnant. I was so unsure of what to do, feeling so confused. Looking back now though, I feel that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. “Our Savior knows the heart of each of us. He knows the pain of our hearts. If we seek the truth, develop faith in Him, and, if necessary, sincerely repent, we will receive a spiritual change of heart which only comes from our Savior. Our hearts will become new again.”

Since then my life has made a complete change and I am in a much better place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I know that I was very blessed and watched over. It does take strength to make the decision to place but it is not something that I could have ever done on my own. Learning to rely on “caregivers” and to allow others to do service for me was not easy at first. “There are times when, no matter how independent we may be, we must entrust others with our care. We must surrender ourselves to them. Our caregivers are those who assist with the healing process.” I had to find faith to trust in the Lord that great pain and sorrow can be replaced with joy and peace.

Everything can be so scary; feelings of not knowing can be overwhelming. Even after placement I was second guessing things, wondering “what if.” Like in Elder Hales’s experience, dwelling on pain will only “inhibit the healing process.” On this Elder Hales said, “I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys for which there likely will given no answers in mortality. To receive the Lord’s comfort, we must first exercise faith…These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our faith.” A talk I read by Richard L. Evans referred to this as “rearview living” saying that “those who look too much upon the past…are running the some of the same risk as the driver who keeps eyes too much upon his rear-view mirror and is inattentive to the road ahead.”

It took time to progress from asking myself “what if?” to “what now?” I had made a decision and had felt the confirmation of the Spirit; it was time to focus on what was ahead of me. I have learned, and continue to learn, and grow from the experience; it is not something I regret. I echo Elder Hales sentiment in that “it is an experience I am grateful to have endured.”

Read full talk by Elder Hales in November 1998 Ensign.
Link

The Book of Mormon Challenge

In August of 2005, President Gordon B. Hinckley challenged all members to read the entire Book of Mormon before the year's end. "We studied the Book of Mormon in Sunday School this past year. Nonetheless I offer a challenge to members of the Church throughout the world and to our friends everywhere to read or reread the Book of Mormon. If you will read a bit more than one and one-half chapters a day, you will be able to finish the book before the end of this year. ...Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will observe this simple program, regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God." (See August 2005 Ensign, First Presidency Message.)

During the summer I gave myself the same challenge, to reread this book of scripture and to study its pages. I accepted the challenge whole-heartedly and began reading my Book of Mormon every spare moment that I could. As I would read during my lunch break at work, I would often be interrupted by inquires into what I was reading so intently. In this way I was blessed with opportunities to talk about the gospel with others in a non-intrusive way. By not beginning my reading until midway through the year, I had a lot of catching up to do. I was unable to complete the Book of Mormon by the end of December but I did finish by the end of January. I enjoyed accepting the challenge first given by President Hinckley so much, that I have once again challenged myself to reread the Book of Mormon for this year.

Thoughts of Encouragement

This is an inscription from a card I received a week or two after placement:

As one door is closed in your life, a new one opens before you. Take a moment to pause briefly
at this threshold, and know that you are moving forward and that this is for the best.
Approach this new door with great confidence in your heart, for you have so much to offer and much to look forward to.
Open each new door with trust,
holding your hopes and dreams very near...
knowing that the world is waiting for
the goodness and the love you carry with you.

M.E Miro

Sweet Song

Ordinary Day by Nick Lachey is a song I came across on iTunes that I absolutely love. It is supposed to be a love song but I think it applies to the way I feel about Silas sometimes. Here are the lyrics:

I wish I could tell you
The things I never got the chance to
I wish I was with you now
To see you smile again
I wish we had more time
But time goes by so fast
The moment comes and
Then the moment passes by
In the blink of an eye

And If I had one wish
I Wouldn't ask for money
I wouldn't ask for fame
I wouldn't ask for the power to
Make this world change
If I could have one thing
That one thing that I would chose
Is one more ordinary day with you
With you

I wish I could see you
And be there where my arms could reach you
I wish I could let you know
How much you touch my life
Maybe a little time is all the time we get
The Words we long to say are words that go unsaid
You can't go back again

But if I had one wish
I Wouldn't ask for money
I wouldn't ask for fame
I wouldn't ask for the power to
Make this world change
If I could have one thing
That one thing that I would chose
Is one more ordinary day
With you

I wish we had more time
Time goes by so fast
The moment comes and
Then the moment passes by
In the blink of an eye

But if I had one wish
I Wouldn't ask for money
I wouldn't ask for fame
I wouldn't ask for the power to
Make this world change, no
If I could have one thing
That one thing that I would chose
Is one more ordinary day
Just one more ordinary day with you
With you

Adoption Myths

Most birth mothers who place their babies for adoption are teenagers. Most birth mothers who choose adoption are in their early twenties, although women of all ages make this decision.

Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.” There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.

An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can. Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.

A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption. Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.

After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child. Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.

Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges. It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.

Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption. Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.

For more information about LDS Family Services adoption services, please call 1-800-537-2229 or visit itsaboutlove.org